Top of the Whatnots

Song for a weddingCamille Yarbrough – Take your praise. It ushered in my child bride and is hence ace.

Protest songOtis Redding – A change is gonna come. OK, so it’s not the Sam Cooke version. Deal with it.

Song with panpipesSOUL – Burning spear. The missus hates panpipes, but on this occasion she’ll make an exception.

Song about foodWendy Rene – Bar B-Q. In 2010 we had twenty days of barbecue IN A ROW. We also had a baby, but for some reason people tend to find this less awesome.

Breakup songFreda Payne – Band of gold. Superior to the Diana Ross version, obviously.

Song about walking awayFlaming Ember – Westbound No. 9. Better legroom than Revolution No. 9.

Song about unrequited loveGladys Knight & the Pips – It should have been me. Sings like a peach.

Klaus Wunderlich numberKlaus Wunderlich – Summertime. Not content with the Hammond, he also played the accordion – now that’s what I call a multi-instrumentalist.

Song for a funeralThe Spinners – I’ll be around. My mother in law would prefer Bat out of Hell; this is somewhat tamer.

MashupGo Home Productions – Wouldn’t it be nice to be your first. Beautifully engineered and joyously camp: it’s a pink Porsche for your ears.

Translation from EnglishThe Cat Empire – Hotel California. I fucking hate the Eagles

Beatles coverLena Horne – Rocky Raccoon. Come on – this one’s better than the original, surely?!

Superhero themeMichael Buble – Spider-Man. Dare I say, even better than Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Batman.

TV show themeTheme from Mission Impossible. The coolest tune ever made for TV. Seriously, you can look that shit up.

James bond title themeShirley Bassey – Diamonds are forever. Sure, Goldfinger is great, but outside of the movie context, this one’s the mack daddy.

Bassline
Queen – Another one bites the dust. Even if they did nick it off Chic.

Song in a clinical settingKool Moe Dee – Go see the doctor. Makes you want an STD of your own.

Song for summertime cruising213 – Another summer. Makes me *this* close to sticking hydraulic suspension on my Astra.

Song about smoking weedD’Angelo – Brown sugar. [Insert sweet pun here]

Song to play REALLY LOUDKRS-One – Step into a world. Warning: contains dope MC’ing.

Song for a carnivalTony Matterhorn – Dutty wine. According to the wife, it’s like drinking two cans of shake ass.

Song about ambiguous genitalia
Mufridite – Count Lasher &Williams with Lyn Taitt and Baba and His Band Brooks. Perhaps not the most sympathetic way to raise the profile of this distressing condition, but it’s to the point.

Because You are a Strong and Beautiful Woman

It’s about empowerment, not hate and bitterness. That’s a whole different mixtape altogether.

Christina Aguilera Beautiful
Jazmine Sullivan Bust your windows
Ms Dynamite Put him out
Christina Aguilera Fighter
Beyoncé Irreplaceable
Destiny’s Child Survivor
Nikki Giovanni Ego tripping
Ike & Tina Turner I’m gonna cut you loose
Flaming Ember Westbound no. 9
Donna Summer If it hurts just a little
Gloria Gaynor I will survive
Mary J. Blige No more drama
Alicia Keys A woman’s worth
Beverley Knight Gold
Beyoncé If I were a boy
Whitney Houston It’s not right but it’s ok
Cee Lo Green Fuck you

The Ike & Tina Turner Revue

Unlikely as it sounds, Gentle Reader, I too make mistakes. This was one of them: Ike & Tina Turner - The Collection - Ten CDs - 160 odd songs, twenty-odd quid. Bargain? Think again.

The recordings are about as far from remastered as you can get - volume levels all over the shop, enormous amounts of silence before and after tracks, and some audio so insultingly poor your ears will weep to hear it. Furthermore, each CD is barely half full, so the whole selection takes up twice as much room as it should - assuming it were any good.

Which leads to the packaging - ten discs - two inlay pictures, one set of sleeve notes. Yes - the same sleeve notes in every case. And no production information on anything.

Frankly, this stinks of bootleg, and not in a good way. If Ike Turner’s estate knew this product existed, they’d probably kill it with fire.

But all is not lost. If your CD rack is bowing under the weight of this great stool of a CD, it is still possible to make a passable playlist. Allow me to oblige.

Too many tears in my eyes
I idolize you
Come together
Took a trip
Take the time
I got my mojo working
No more lovin’
Down in the valley
Why I sing the blues
Ya ya
Trouble on my mind
You are my sunshine
You can’t have your cake
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do
Sugar sugar
What kind of love
Finger poppin’ time
High heel sneakers
Jo jo
I’m blue
Shake a hand
Money
It’s gonna work out fine
River deep, mountain high
Nutbush City limits
Shake a tail feather
Sweet Rhode Island red
Proud Mary

Pernuptial Diversion

Or, Music to get Married by.

1st June 2002.

Yes, there was a Spider-Man theme, of sorts.

No, Tim Sale did not provide the artwork.


Camille Yarbrough Take yo praise
Peggy Lee Fever
Dianne Reeves & Grant Green Down here on the ground
Perez Prado & Rosemary Clooney Sway
Stan Getz & Joao Gilberto The girl from ipanema
Dr John Mama Roux
Mary Jane Hooper I’ve got reasons
The Apollas Seven days
Martha & the Vandellas Third finger, left hand
Smokey Robinson & the Miracles I second that emotion
Temptations I’ll be in trouble
Brass Construction The message (inspiration)
Sly & the Family Stone (You caught me) Smilin’
Brass Construction Wake up
Lynda Lyndell What a man
Fatback Band Gotta have your love (day by day)
Lou Rawls You made me so very happy
Julie London Fly me to the moon
Detroit Emeralds Baby let me take you
Shirley Bassey Light my fire
Jamiroquai Falling

Chasing the Big Ones

No more will this stand! Since yore have we eked out meagre subsistence from biscuits and Vaseline, but is this fair damnation for us fine folk of reason? Nay, we don’t demand banquets of bison stuffed with quail and venison, but we do demand a fair share of gravy for a fair slab of bacon! The time is apposite: our chests are kindled with fire, and our minds are filled with myrrh. So, hold, enough! Bring fair Birnam Wood to Dunsinane, throw our warlike shields before our bodies and arrest any fellow who dare deny our Fanta and Alka-Seltzer. Indeed – for as they say, those not part of the solution are part of the problem, and the dogs and jackals will feast on their bones and purr, yes purr, as they digest their gristly knuckles and wiry entrails. So, without further ado, give us liberty and stew! Aye, prepare us a fine porridge of hip hop, with the odd fruity morsel of soul slash R&B for digestive purposes and perhaps a little dancehall to season. Wrap it up, barbecue and serve with reverence and fries.

Blackstreet No diggity
Marques Houston & Jermaine Dupri Pop that booty
Lady Saw I got your man
Deltron 3030 Mastermind
CL Smooth & Jazzy Jeff All I know
Big Daddy Kane Ain’t no half steppin’
C2C feat Hocus Pocus Feel good
Lyrics Born Do that there
Dave Ghetto & Jazzy Jeff Come on
Sincere feat Natty Once upon a time
Das EFX They want EFX
Jurassic 5 Freedom
Lupe Fiasco Gold watch
The Coup Laugh/love/fuck
Sam & Dave Wrap it up
Wendy Rene Bar-B-Q
Roberta Flack Reverend Lee
Common Misunderstood
Quasimoto Chippin’

Jump - Stomp - Clap

3, 6, 9
The goose drank wine
The monkey chew tobacco on the streetcar line
The line broke, the monkey got choked
And they all went to heaven in a little rowboat


Rose Royce Car wash
Joe Bataan Subway Joe
The Meters Handclapping song
Sean Paul Get busy
Santa Esmeralda Don’t let me be misunderstood
Anita Harris Clapping song
Michael Jackson Rockin’ Robin
Mel Wynn & The Rhythm Aces Stop sign
Pharoahe Monch Body baby
Abbot Lighthouse Choir Trouble of this world
The Dixie Cups Iko iko
Nikki Giovanni Ego tripping
Kanye West Gold digger
Alice Russell Somebody’s gonna love you
Common So cool
Outkast Hey ya
Jamiroquai Little L
Donna Summer If it hurts just a little
Steps Stomp
Wham Wham rap!
Elvis Presley Hound dog

Are Trends Eclectic Vol. 5

Although I thought this one would be quick to toss off, it was actually long and hard, and frankly took an age to come out right. In all honesty, my focus was flagging at times, but, by thinking of you, I managed to keep it up long enough to go the distance. It was then just a question of blowing my wad at the Post Office and waiting for the postman to ease my small packet through your mailbox. Now, of course, it’s in your hands, to do with as you will. I hope this compilation will bring you off the path more trodden, and open your eyes to new experiences.

Don’t just stand there, get it on, pig!

Duran Duran Notorious
Blondie Hanging on the telephone
Girls Aloud Love machine (Lionel Vinyl Jet Edit)
Elvis Presley Walk a mile in my shoes
Perez Prado Almendra
Dave Barbour Mambo jambo
Shaggy Mr Boombastic
SL2 On a ragga tip
Teddy Pendergrass Only you
Merle Travis 16 tons
Bo Diddley Crackin’ up
10CC Dreadlock holiday
Specials Ghost town
Fugees How many mics
Goodie Mob Cell therapy
Overton Berry Trio Hey Jude
Breeders Cannonball
Al Green I want to hold your hand
Kim Weston Eleanor Rigby
Johnny “Guitar” Watson & Larry Williams Too late
Dusty Springfield Am I the same girl?
Klaus Wunderlich Tuxedo junction

The Stone Cold Boogie Down B-Boy Sampler

The following is based on a true story, or more precisely, Wikipedia. That's almost as good as fact, isn't it?

Lawrence Krishna Parker (born 20 August 1965) used to hang out with Hare Krishnas in South Bronx. He adopted his graffiti tag ‘KRS-One’ as his stage name, later devising the backronym ‘Knowledge Reigns Supreme Over Nearly Everyone’. Known aliases include ‘Kris Parker’, ‘The Blastmaster’, ‘The Teacha’ and ‘The Philosopher’.

He began recording with Scott La Rock (né Sterling), a social worker. They formed ‘Scott La Rock and the Celebrity Three’. It stiffed when the other two quit. They rebranded as ‘Boogie Down Productions’ because ‘Boogie Down’ is a nickname for the Bronx. They fused dancehall reggae and hip hop to show that having Jamaican roots is OK.

KRS dissed Mr Magic and Marley Marl as well as their known associates, sparking The Bridge Wars. KRS also disliked an MC Shan song, which he reckoned said that hip hop came from Queensbridge (a fact that Shan repeatedly denied). All the same, KRS dissed it with a bunch of songs, eventually giving Shan a right good licking on stage. Many said that KRS was the dopest MC.

Criminal Minded (1987) set the stage for what would eventually become gangsta rap. Scott La Rock was then shot dead after trying to sort out some beef between D-Nice and some local hoodlums, so KRS made some politically and socially conscious hip hop.

BDP’s membership changed continuously, the only constant being KRS. Collaborators included, inter alia, Keith Murray, Ms Melodie (his wife for a bit) and McBoo. In the Sex and Violence (1992) liner notes, KRS writes: ‘BDP in 1992 is KRS, Willie D and Kenny Parker! BDP is not D-Nice, Jamal-ski, Harmony, Ms Melodie and Scottie Morris. They are not down with BDP so stop frontin’. Ms Melodie was no longer his wife.

The group essentially ended because, after four largely solo ‘BDP’ albums, KRS recorded Return of the Boom Bap (1993) under his own name.

In 1997, KRS came on Tim Westwood’s show. He cussed him and Radio 1 more generally, accusing them having a boner for commercial artists (eg Puff Daddy). Although not having been in the UK since 1991 (he does not fly), he claimed ‘to be in touch with the people’, and said that ‘they weren’t feeling Westwood, he’s a sell out and has sold his soul’.

My philosophy
Poetry
Edutainment
Breath control II
100 guns
Remix P is for free
I’m still no. 1
T’cha t’cha
Gimme dat (woy)
Illegal business
The style you haven’t done yet
Bo! Bo! Bo!
The racist
Mortal thought
Sound of da police
KRS-One attacks
MCs act like they don’t know
Step into a world

Big Gut? Get Some Exercise, Pig!

Allez then, mon cochon. This beatfeast meets the dietary and sociological requirements of all manner of swine, from your bog-standard Tamworth and Black Slavonian to your Swedish Landrace and Indo-Chinese Warty Pig. And, like most good explosions, it starts with a combination of TNT and frontal lobotomy, the sort of lethal cocktail that should only be administered by a skilled professional, such as yours truly. It is then followed by the first of two songs monikered according to previously seen fare, but in fact (nay actual fact) – different.

So far, so not particularly dirty – ditties for pigs in gravy rather than the poop puddles with which they are more commonly associated. At this point then, I wouldn’t as such urge you to drop the soap (as picking it up again is generally poor sport), but rather suggest you belay the sudding-up for a minute or two while Ms Shaw delivers some traditional cotton-picking lyrics to a more contemporary arrangement before Ike and Tina growl about gnat parts.

This brings us to the disco act, ushered in by the Philadelphia International All-Stars, a precursor to the Stop the Violence movement, and to a lesser extent, Ferry Aid. I ain’t proud of this bit, it’s merely the means to an end – the sonic arc that links 60s soul with the UK grime scene. Hence two recent number ones drop into the slop trough, followed by the inevitable argy-bargy associated with dandelion and burdock.

But what’s that? The frenetic pace giving you trotter bother? Why not try the solution of Stephen Marley and friends – smoke some shibby and go for a spin. (NOTE TO KIDS: in real life these men are polite to policemen, do not drive under the influence of illicit narcotics, and regularly call their grandparents just to see how they are. Be like Five Star and SAY NO TO DRUGS.)

Jurassic 5 would probably say no to drugs too, at least they would if they were on the Radio 1 Breakfast Show. However, they’re not – they’re here, and actually I can’t recall what they’re saying, apart from that although this Mary J belter is a musical oddity that fits with nothing, if you cough really hard at either end, you’ll hardly notice. And before you know it, you’ll have a soul ride much softer than the offroad affair leading into this shebang. That is, until it hits that last-minute reggae hog-roast with faux-latin finger-cuffs. More sow’s ear than silk purse, I’m not quite what I was thinking there, but there you go.

Touch your toes after that, pig!

The Exciters Blowing up my mind
Gladys Knight & The Pips The nitty gritty
Marlena Shaw Let’s wade in the water
Ike & Tina Turner Funkier than a mosquito’s tweeter
Philadelphia International All-Stars Let’s clean up the ghetto
Donna Summer If it hurts just a little (edit)
Cheryl Lynn Got to be real
Dizzee Rascal feat Calvin Harris Dance wiv me
Wiley Wearing my Rolex
Tommy Boy Love and happiness
Puretones Addicted to bass
Stephen Marley et al. The traffic jam
Jurassic 5 Freedom
Mary J Blige No one will do
William Bell I forgot to be your lover
Estelle More than friends
Billy May’s Rico Mambo Orchestra Hernando’s hideaway
Marcia Griffiths Don’t let me down
Merrymen Big bamboo
Peggy Lee Always true to you in my fashion

Are Trends Eclectic: Vol. 2

Aim
To see how many genres will fit on to one CD, without compromising aural pleasure (the sequel).

Method
Pink Martini – Let’s never stop falling in love
Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong – Can’t we be friends?
Benny Goodman – It’s tight like that
Rosemary Clooney – Sway
Manu DiBango – Lily
Fontella Bass – Rescue Me
Marilyn Barbarin & The Soul Finders – Reborn
Johnnie Morisette – I’m hungry
The Dave Pike Set – Mathar
Lucy Pearl – Don’t mess with my man
Barry White – It’s ecstasy when you lay down next to me
Ghostface Killah – Cherchez la Ghost
Louis Rankin – The Typewriter
Max Romeo & The Upsetters – Chase the Devil
Muddy Waters – I’m your Hoochie Coochie Man
The Jimi Hendrix Experience – Crosstown Traffic
Cast – Desert Drought
Mantronix – Got to have your love
Tim Deluxe – It just won’t do
Boogie Down Productions vs. Mark Pritchard – Necessary
Goldfrapp – Crystalline Green
The Greenhornes & Holly Golightly – There is an end
The Andrews Sisters – Rum & Coca-Cola
Quincy Jones – Desafinado
The Double Six of Paris – French Rat Race

Discussion
It is said that one shouldn’t blow one’s own trumpet but, frankly, if you’re proud of your handiwork and can coldly & objectively assess it as being dope, then I say blow it. After all, who else is going to do it? Those pezzanovante in Washington? Fat chance. Which leads me to my first confession: I really like this CD. I wouldn’t call it a ‘chef-d’oeuvre’ because, despite loving the term, it just sounds pretentious. And it’s not my Sergeant Pepper either, as I’ve made better compilations. However, it comfortably meets the criteria laid down by the ‘Are Trends Eclectic?’ mission statement and is a blatantly good listen. Whether it works is down to the individual listener but to the ears of this individual, it does.

Commencing with a classical piece to further increase diversity is a nice ploy but creates the problem of finding something to follow it (see Eclectic 3). This was cleverly avoided (while still retaining a slight classical flavour) by kicking off with the swirling strings of Pink Martini – a track which might best be described as ‘Cuban orchestral’. Or perhaps ‘latin lounge symphonica’.

Trad jazz, cool jazz, latin jazz, modal jazz, fusion, bebop – an aficionado could probably eek out an entire ‘eclectic’ CD from the many guises of jazz. Whilst I am not an expert, I am reasonably well acquainted with the genre (I know, for example, that Miles Davis is better than Kenny G) and felt that the swing of the ‘King of Swing’ Benny Goodman was sufficiently older and different-er from the plain frickin’ jazz jazz of Ella & Louis to warrant inclusion. And, as we all know, jazz (8th use in this paragraph) has its roots in Africa and Latin America, which was a tenuous enough link for me to follow-up with some latin flavour (courtesy of George Clooney’s aunt) and some Manu DiBango before settling in to a soul/funk groove.

The middle third of this CD crams in more genres than a genre factory. Disco cuddles up with hip-hop, reggae, blues, rock & indie and they all seem to get along fairly well although, admittedly, this is not as seamless as the preceding section. But if you’ve listened this far, tuning out now would be, at best, disloyal and, at worst, an act of aggression.

At this point, I was facing a difficult leap to old school dance followed three tracks later by an even more difficult leap from drum & bass to mellow electronica. Luckily, an elegant solution presented itself, which was almost beautiful in its simplicity: make the pauses between tracks fractionally longer. Genius! This cheap trick would never fool the panel of the Mercury Music Prize or stand up to the scrutiny of an industrial tribunal, but might just go unnoticed by the more inebriated guests at a dinner party, rendered immobile by too much stilton and six generous glasses of port.

It all ends rather nicely, with a 60s pastiche, a slice of easy listening, a small portion of calypso and a morsel of…er…vocalese. For those who don’t know, vocalese is “a style or genre of jazz singing wherein lyrics are written for melodies that were originally part of an all-instrumental composition or improvisation”. So there.

Conclusion
A couple of provocative (i.e. awkward) segues aside, this CD hangs together well. It is truly eclectic and, as an added bonus, contains tracks from every decade since the 30s. Plus all of the tracks are damn good and it smells nice.

These Are The Breaks

Remember when hip hop was party music? Remember when those deliciously funky undercurrents and fat James Brown hooks got you onto the floor? Remember throwing your wigger-boy set in the air, and shouting YEEEEEEAH BOYEEEE! in the ear of any chump fooly enough to ask you what time it was?

Sure you do. It was last night. The neighbours were banging on the walls and that really big police dog was eyeing your leg like it was gonna hump it or eat it, or both.

In case you’re still drawing a blank, perhaps this set-list will pump hot memory juice through that war-torn cerebral cortex. Where Digital Lukie took care of basslines, this one’s all about the beats. Well, maybe the basslines too, as there is some overlap, but you know, when needs must, and all that.

Think of this as music to drive by by. Get in the hoochie ride, drop the rag-top, and find some ass in which to bust a cap.

Digital Underground Return of the crazy one
Dynamic Syncopation 2 tha left
T Love QMS
Original Flavor Can I get open
Diamond D Fuck what you heard
Masterminds Bring it back
DJ Fase + Abdominal Fly antics
De La Soul All good
Pharcyde Officer
Krown Rulers Paper chase
3rd Bass Word to the third
Eric B + Rakim Don’t sweat the technique
RZA La Rhumba
Beatnuts No escaping this
Lords of the Underground Chief rocka
KRS One Mortal thought
Q-Tip Vivrant thing
NWA Express yourself
Public Enemy Rightstarter

Digital Lukie (vol. 1)

DIGITAL LUKIE’S RECORDING TIPS

A continuous record of your canary in full song is easy to get, and has many uses. It is always a handy record to play when entertaining visitors, and is a welcome “gimmick” for social gatherings, church bazaars and the like. If you run a shop or a pub, you will find such records useful for attracting customers, or you might hire out your recording for special occasions.


Madvillain - America’s most blunted
Boostin Kev - Duntdaduntdunt
Dan the Automator - Buck buck
Notorious BIG - Machine gun funk
Peanut Butter Wolf & Planet Asia - In your area
J Dilla, Common & D’Angelo - So far to go
Pete Nice & Daddy Rich - Verbal massage
De La Soul - Supa emcees
Scarface - Goin’ down
DJ Crook Air - Egyptian dy-na-mi-tee
Method Man & Ghostface - Afterparty
Mase - Welcome back
Nice & Smooth - Hip hop junkies
Diamond D - Fuck what u heard
Cypress Hill - Tres Equis
Lemmy Special - Kwela blues
Not the theme from Animal Magic
Cypress Hill - Scooby doo
Ol’ dirty bastard - Shimmy shimmy
Lords of the Underground - Chief rocka
Jungle Brothers - The promo

Real Disco (z-mix)

“I don’t know much about disco”, said Zelida.

I had to resolve this. But how? On the one hand, I could simply hand her my old copy of Tony Blackburn’s Soul Survivor, but that would surely be symbolic of disco’s existential crisis (ooh, I’ve been wanting to use that phrase for years…) Why? Well, let’s face it, if music was football, disco would always be last picked for the team. Likewise, despite being the greatest dancer, it’d never get a prom date.

In short, versus the rest of music, disco really dips out vis-à-vis credibility, failing even to win the faux-ironic admiration that makes up 70 per cent of today’s lounge music fanbase.

Doing further damage to disco’s rep is that government decree appears to have restricted it to Heart FM and office parties – neither a good medium for appreciation.

But as long as you sift the wheat from the chaff, it’s not all bad. Even the chart stuff has pedigree, that is, provided you dismiss Abba, the Bee Gees and the Village Bloody People as a bunch of honky chancers peddling cissy milk. That’s not to make a race issue out of it, after all, From New York to LA is magnificent, and if I had a handbag I’d surely dance round it to Yes sir, I can boogie. Nonetheless, check the calibre of Sister Sledge, Kool & The Gang, Gladys Knight, The Jacksons et al. Case rested.

And so, to disc one:

Tavares Heaven must be missing an angel
Rimshots 7-6-5-4-3-2-1 blow your whistle
Sister Sledge He’s the greatest dancer
Labelle Lady Marmalade
Freez IOU
Whispers And the beat goes on
Shalamar I can make you feel good
Booker Newbury III Love town
Heatwave Boogie nights
Van McCoy & The Soul Symphony The hustle
O’Jays Love train
Detroit Emeralds Feel the need in me
Jackson 5 I want you back
Jacksons Blame it on the boogie
Kool & The Gang Ladies’ night
Eighties Ladies I knew that love
Gladys Knight & The Pips Baby don’t change your mind
Jackson 5 The life of the party
Jean Carne Was that all it was
Donna Summer On the radio
Quickest Way Out Who am I?

Note here that I don’t care that I want you back isn’t technically disco, I just happen to like it an obscenely big amount. Besides, its not as incongruous as putting David Arnold on a mixtape otherwise full of super heavy funk.

Also, some of these may well count as soul groove, but frankly who’s keeping score? The bottom line is that these will be the slammingest grooves at DJ Rentaselecta’s next rave (weddings/children’s parties/wakes etc) and you’ll want to be prepared.

Which brings us to disc two – the proper stuff – Philly Groove, Salsoul and the like. Harder, dirtier, funkier, breakbeatier, and in the case of the Salsoul nuggets, rife with more orchestra than your local philharmonic. Actually, that may over-egg the pudding slightly – it does still have its lightweight elements, but at least there’s no Boney M.

Esther Williams Last night changed it all
Fatback Band King Tim III
Tapestry He was a man
Coup de Villes So long goodbye it’s over
Moment of Truth Helplessly
Frantique Strut your funky stuff
Crown Heights Affair You gave me love
The Jones Girls You’re gonna make me love somebody else
Dee Dee Sharp Easy money
Melba Moore This is it
Carol Williams Love is you
Donna Summer Bad girls
Loleatta Holloway Mama don’t papa won’t
Jean Carne If you wanna go back
Teddy Pendergrass Only you
Alphonse Mouzon Why can’t we make it
Sound Experience Don’t fight the feeling
Anderson Brothers I can see him making love to you
First Choice Armed and extremely dangerous

Perhaps now, Brother Disco, you can rest in peace.

Tons of Dynamite

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. It being dark, God said, ‘Let there be light’, and lo, there was. God separated this into day and night. That was the first day. On the second day, God created the sky. On the third day, he made sea etc and called the dry bit ‘land’, and he made vegetation happen. Next, he made the sun and the moon. He also made the stars. That was the fourth day. And God said, ‘Put living creatures in the sky and the water’. And sure enough, there they were. That was the fifth day. And God said, ‘Put living creatures on the land too’. ‘Plus let us make man in our image, and let him rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over all the creatures that move along the ground’. So God created man in his own image and blessed him. That was the end of day six, and God liked what he had done. Day seven, he rested. Day eight, he invented clogs, bumper cars, skipping, toe traps, politically incorrect poetry and marital aids.

To compensate for an overlong description of the first two songs, the following two are about babies, and the next two are sort-of finger-related. Then there’s a snake and another baby, a highway code metaphor, a call against Christian hypocrisy and another baby. Which brings us to day nine. What is it about the number nine? Revolution #9, Engine #9, Love potion #9, 9mm goes bang, Nine times a lady, The curse of the ninth symphony, nine valkyries in the so-called ride-of the, and in this instance, nine phone calls. I once called our house on Avenue Road nine times. It was my birthday, and Kate was on the sodding blower for about two and a half hours solid. I walked the whole way from the station, stopping at every call box on the way, but she was busy making devil talk with her familiars. I think Mandy shagged a gipsy in my bed the night before too.

Ms English is also disappointed with the telephone, but to her credit, takes it on the chin. Unlike Rosa Batiste who is the victim of a hit and run. This growing problem is not being addressed by an appropriate legal response. Furthermore, there is a failure to use the manslaughter charge, as suggested in Wilkinson's Traffic Law, Section 5.65. Tainted love is relatively tame by comparison, unless of course you’re talking about deliberate infection with an STD or even AIDS, which I think now counts as GBH, but you’d have to speak to your lawyer about that. You really got a hold on me runs the gauntlet of asphyxiation-based erotic thrills. And we return to THE NINE! Westbound = Piccadilly Circus - Hyde Park Corner - Kensington - Hammersmith. I’ve known better escape routes, but it sure beats Swavesey - Over - Willingham - Longstanton - Bar Hill - Cambridge.

There’s more songs too, but I run out of space to tell you about them.

Eighth Day: Eenie meenie minie mo
Eloise Laws: Love factory
Rachel Sweet: B-A-B-Y
Fred Hughes: Baby boy
Freda Payne: Band of gold
Wayne Gibson: Under my thumb
Al Wilson: The snake
The Metros: Since I found my baby
Mel Wynn & The Rhythm: Aces Stop sign
Honey Cone: Sunday morning people
Lorraine Chandler: Love you baby
The Moments: Nine times
Barbara Jean English: I’m living a lie
Rosa Batiste: Hit and run
Larry Saunders: On the real side
Gloria Jones: Tainted love
Gayle McCormick: You really got a hold on me
Flaming Ember: Westbound No. 9
Laura Greene: Moonlight, music and you
Irma Thomas: Break-a-way
Nosmo King & the Javells: Goodbye (nothing to say)
Brenda and The Tabulations: Lies, lies, lies
Continental Four: Heaven must have sent you

My Grandad's Stash

Music, for my grandfather, was not a priority. I know this, because I have listened to all his records. For the most part, these constituted such charity shop staples as military bands, easy listening muzak, the odd ballet, maybe a musical, and a bunch of ‘stereo samplers’, which broadly defy any kind of classification. Which isn’t to say he wasn’t discerning; after all, he didn’t own any Singalongamax.

He did, however, dig Klaus ‘Mr Hammond’ Wunderlich. We’ve talked about him before, so my précis will be swift: Klaus began learning the piano at the age of seven, and in 1955, at the age of 24, he started on the Hammond, and in due course patriotically changed to the German-made Wersi Organ. Prove me wrong.

My granddad also liked a bit of Waikiki groove, as represented here by Basil Henriques and the Waikiki Islanders. Henriques is untrained with respect to formal tuition, but according to his biography, was born with music in his soul. He started playing guitar at eleven, and took up Hawaiian guitar at twelve. His first pedal guitar was a six-string Gibson four-pedal Electraharp, and he formed the Waikiki Islanders when he was only sixteen. From 1966 to 1968, the group was resident at the Castaways nightclub in Birmingham. He then toured the US forces bases of Europe with his own show, which included dancers and a knife throwing/fire dancer from Samoa. As a musician, he has performed with artistes such as Foster and Allen, backing the likes of Gilbert O'Sullivan, Tom Jones, Slim Whitman, and Tammy Wynette (who always asked for him for her Irish tours). However, none could match the prodigious talent of the knife throwing/fire dancing Samoan.

Finally, my grandfather was also fond of a nice bit of Bacharach, preferably watered down to remove the vocals and any extraneous soul. The Sunset Festival Orchestra represents the cream of his collection, although his Bacharach does bossa album also retains a certain charm. But what can I say about The Sunset Festival Orchestra? Not much really – they represent one of the largely unmapped areas of the interweb, along with chive eating monkey bankers. I know that they released a further LP, 'Non Stop Carole King', but beyond that I draw a blank.

Klaus Wunderlich
St Louis Blues March
Tuxedo junction
Summertime
Besame mucho
Tico tico
Petite fleur
Brazil medley
Can’t take my eyes off you
Don’t let me be misunderstood/Yes sir I can boogie
Dancing queen/ I love to love
Basil Henriques & The Waikiki Islanders
Strangers in the night
Somewhere my love
Moon river
The shadow of your smile
Sunset Festival Orchestra
Non-stop Bacharach
Part 1: Do you know the way to San José/(There’s) Always something there to remind me/I say a little prayer/A house is not a home/Alfie/(They long to be) Close to you/This guy’s in love with you/Trains, boats and planes
Part 2: Raindrops keep falling on my head/I’ll never fall in love again/What the world needs now is love/Anyone who had a heart/Wives and lovers/Make it easy on yourself/Walk on by/The look of love