Big Gut? Get Some Exercise, Pig!

Allez then, mon cochon. This beatfeast meets the dietary and sociological requirements of all manner of swine, from your bog-standard Tamworth and Black Slavonian to your Swedish Landrace and Indo-Chinese Warty Pig. And, like most good explosions, it starts with a combination of TNT and frontal lobotomy, the sort of lethal cocktail that should only be administered by a skilled professional, such as yours truly. It is then followed by the first of two songs monikered according to previously seen fare, but in fact (nay actual fact) – different.

So far, so not particularly dirty – ditties for pigs in gravy rather than the poop puddles with which they are more commonly associated. At this point then, I wouldn’t as such urge you to drop the soap (as picking it up again is generally poor sport), but rather suggest you belay the sudding-up for a minute or two while Ms Shaw delivers some traditional cotton-picking lyrics to a more contemporary arrangement before Ike and Tina growl about gnat parts.

This brings us to the disco act, ushered in by the Philadelphia International All-Stars, a precursor to the Stop the Violence movement, and to a lesser extent, Ferry Aid. I ain’t proud of this bit, it’s merely the means to an end – the sonic arc that links 60s soul with the UK grime scene. Hence two recent number ones drop into the slop trough, followed by the inevitable argy-bargy associated with dandelion and burdock.

But what’s that? The frenetic pace giving you trotter bother? Why not try the solution of Stephen Marley and friends – smoke some shibby and go for a spin. (NOTE TO KIDS: in real life these men are polite to policemen, do not drive under the influence of illicit narcotics, and regularly call their grandparents just to see how they are. Be like Five Star and SAY NO TO DRUGS.)

Jurassic 5 would probably say no to drugs too, at least they would if they were on the Radio 1 Breakfast Show. However, they’re not – they’re here, and actually I can’t recall what they’re saying, apart from that although this Mary J belter is a musical oddity that fits with nothing, if you cough really hard at either end, you’ll hardly notice. And before you know it, you’ll have a soul ride much softer than the offroad affair leading into this shebang. That is, until it hits that last-minute reggae hog-roast with faux-latin finger-cuffs. More sow’s ear than silk purse, I’m not quite what I was thinking there, but there you go.

Touch your toes after that, pig!

The Exciters Blowing up my mind
Gladys Knight & The Pips The nitty gritty
Marlena Shaw Let’s wade in the water
Ike & Tina Turner Funkier than a mosquito’s tweeter
Philadelphia International All-Stars Let’s clean up the ghetto
Donna Summer If it hurts just a little (edit)
Cheryl Lynn Got to be real
Dizzee Rascal feat Calvin Harris Dance wiv me
Wiley Wearing my Rolex
Tommy Boy Love and happiness
Puretones Addicted to bass
Stephen Marley et al. The traffic jam
Jurassic 5 Freedom
Mary J Blige No one will do
William Bell I forgot to be your lover
Estelle More than friends
Billy May’s Rico Mambo Orchestra Hernando’s hideaway
Marcia Griffiths Don’t let me down
Merrymen Big bamboo
Peggy Lee Always true to you in my fashion