Top of the Whatnots

Song for a weddingCamille Yarbrough – Take your praise. It ushered in my child bride and is hence ace.

Protest songOtis Redding – A change is gonna come. OK, so it’s not the Sam Cooke version. Deal with it.

Song with panpipesSOUL – Burning spear. The missus hates panpipes, but on this occasion she’ll make an exception.

Song about foodWendy Rene – Bar B-Q. In 2010 we had twenty days of barbecue IN A ROW. We also had a baby, but for some reason people tend to find this less awesome.

Breakup songFreda Payne – Band of gold. Superior to the Diana Ross version, obviously.

Song about walking awayFlaming Ember – Westbound No. 9. Better legroom than Revolution No. 9.

Song about unrequited loveGladys Knight & the Pips – It should have been me. Sings like a peach.

Klaus Wunderlich numberKlaus Wunderlich – Summertime. Not content with the Hammond, he also played the accordion – now that’s what I call a multi-instrumentalist.

Song for a funeralThe Spinners – I’ll be around. My mother in law would prefer Bat out of Hell; this is somewhat tamer.

MashupGo Home Productions – Wouldn’t it be nice to be your first. Beautifully engineered and joyously camp: it’s a pink Porsche for your ears.

Translation from EnglishThe Cat Empire – Hotel California. I fucking hate the Eagles

Beatles coverLena Horne – Rocky Raccoon. Come on – this one’s better than the original, surely?!

Superhero themeMichael Buble – Spider-Man. Dare I say, even better than Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Batman.

TV show themeTheme from Mission Impossible. The coolest tune ever made for TV. Seriously, you can look that shit up.

James bond title themeShirley Bassey – Diamonds are forever. Sure, Goldfinger is great, but outside of the movie context, this one’s the mack daddy.

Bassline
Queen – Another one bites the dust. Even if they did nick it off Chic.

Song in a clinical settingKool Moe Dee – Go see the doctor. Makes you want an STD of your own.

Song for summertime cruising213 – Another summer. Makes me *this* close to sticking hydraulic suspension on my Astra.

Song about smoking weedD’Angelo – Brown sugar. [Insert sweet pun here]

Song to play REALLY LOUDKRS-One – Step into a world. Warning: contains dope MC’ing.

Song for a carnivalTony Matterhorn – Dutty wine. According to the wife, it’s like drinking two cans of shake ass.

Song about ambiguous genitalia
Mufridite – Count Lasher &Williams with Lyn Taitt and Baba and His Band Brooks. Perhaps not the most sympathetic way to raise the profile of this distressing condition, but it’s to the point.

Chasing the Big Ones

No more will this stand! Since yore have we eked out meagre subsistence from biscuits and Vaseline, but is this fair damnation for us fine folk of reason? Nay, we don’t demand banquets of bison stuffed with quail and venison, but we do demand a fair share of gravy for a fair slab of bacon! The time is apposite: our chests are kindled with fire, and our minds are filled with myrrh. So, hold, enough! Bring fair Birnam Wood to Dunsinane, throw our warlike shields before our bodies and arrest any fellow who dare deny our Fanta and Alka-Seltzer. Indeed – for as they say, those not part of the solution are part of the problem, and the dogs and jackals will feast on their bones and purr, yes purr, as they digest their gristly knuckles and wiry entrails. So, without further ado, give us liberty and stew! Aye, prepare us a fine porridge of hip hop, with the odd fruity morsel of soul slash R&B for digestive purposes and perhaps a little dancehall to season. Wrap it up, barbecue and serve with reverence and fries.

Blackstreet No diggity
Marques Houston & Jermaine Dupri Pop that booty
Lady Saw I got your man
Deltron 3030 Mastermind
CL Smooth & Jazzy Jeff All I know
Big Daddy Kane Ain’t no half steppin’
C2C feat Hocus Pocus Feel good
Lyrics Born Do that there
Dave Ghetto & Jazzy Jeff Come on
Sincere feat Natty Once upon a time
Das EFX They want EFX
Jurassic 5 Freedom
Lupe Fiasco Gold watch
The Coup Laugh/love/fuck
Sam & Dave Wrap it up
Wendy Rene Bar-B-Q
Roberta Flack Reverend Lee
Common Misunderstood
Quasimoto Chippin’

Big Gut? Get Some Exercise, Pig!

Allez then, mon cochon. This beatfeast meets the dietary and sociological requirements of all manner of swine, from your bog-standard Tamworth and Black Slavonian to your Swedish Landrace and Indo-Chinese Warty Pig. And, like most good explosions, it starts with a combination of TNT and frontal lobotomy, the sort of lethal cocktail that should only be administered by a skilled professional, such as yours truly. It is then followed by the first of two songs monikered according to previously seen fare, but in fact (nay actual fact) – different.

So far, so not particularly dirty – ditties for pigs in gravy rather than the poop puddles with which they are more commonly associated. At this point then, I wouldn’t as such urge you to drop the soap (as picking it up again is generally poor sport), but rather suggest you belay the sudding-up for a minute or two while Ms Shaw delivers some traditional cotton-picking lyrics to a more contemporary arrangement before Ike and Tina growl about gnat parts.

This brings us to the disco act, ushered in by the Philadelphia International All-Stars, a precursor to the Stop the Violence movement, and to a lesser extent, Ferry Aid. I ain’t proud of this bit, it’s merely the means to an end – the sonic arc that links 60s soul with the UK grime scene. Hence two recent number ones drop into the slop trough, followed by the inevitable argy-bargy associated with dandelion and burdock.

But what’s that? The frenetic pace giving you trotter bother? Why not try the solution of Stephen Marley and friends – smoke some shibby and go for a spin. (NOTE TO KIDS: in real life these men are polite to policemen, do not drive under the influence of illicit narcotics, and regularly call their grandparents just to see how they are. Be like Five Star and SAY NO TO DRUGS.)

Jurassic 5 would probably say no to drugs too, at least they would if they were on the Radio 1 Breakfast Show. However, they’re not – they’re here, and actually I can’t recall what they’re saying, apart from that although this Mary J belter is a musical oddity that fits with nothing, if you cough really hard at either end, you’ll hardly notice. And before you know it, you’ll have a soul ride much softer than the offroad affair leading into this shebang. That is, until it hits that last-minute reggae hog-roast with faux-latin finger-cuffs. More sow’s ear than silk purse, I’m not quite what I was thinking there, but there you go.

Touch your toes after that, pig!

The Exciters Blowing up my mind
Gladys Knight & The Pips The nitty gritty
Marlena Shaw Let’s wade in the water
Ike & Tina Turner Funkier than a mosquito’s tweeter
Philadelphia International All-Stars Let’s clean up the ghetto
Donna Summer If it hurts just a little (edit)
Cheryl Lynn Got to be real
Dizzee Rascal feat Calvin Harris Dance wiv me
Wiley Wearing my Rolex
Tommy Boy Love and happiness
Puretones Addicted to bass
Stephen Marley et al. The traffic jam
Jurassic 5 Freedom
Mary J Blige No one will do
William Bell I forgot to be your lover
Estelle More than friends
Billy May’s Rico Mambo Orchestra Hernando’s hideaway
Marcia Griffiths Don’t let me down
Merrymen Big bamboo
Peggy Lee Always true to you in my fashion