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“I don’t know much about disco”, said Zelida.
I had to resolve this. But how? On the one hand, I could simply hand her my old copy of Tony Blackburn’s Soul Survivor, but that would surely be symbolic of disco’s existential crisis (ooh, I’ve been wanting to use that phrase for years…) Why? Well, let’s face it, if music was football, disco would always be last picked for the team. Likewise, despite being the greatest dancer, it’d never get a prom date.
In short, versus the rest of music, disco really dips out vis-à-vis credibility, failing even to win the faux-ironic admiration that makes up 70 per cent of today’s lounge music fanbase.
Doing further damage to disco’s rep is that government decree appears to have restricted it to Heart FM and office parties – neither a good medium for appreciation.
But as long as you sift the wheat from the chaff, it’s not all bad. Even the chart stuff has pedigree, that is, provided you dismiss Abba, the Bee Gees and the Village Bloody People as a bunch of honky chancers peddling cissy milk. That’s not to make a race issue out of it, after all, From New York to LA is magnificent, and if I had a handbag I’d surely dance round it to Yes sir, I can boogie. Nonetheless, check the calibre of Sister Sledge, Kool & The Gang, Gladys Knight, The Jacksons et al. Case rested.
And so, to disc one:
Tavares Heaven must be missing an angel
Rimshots 7-6-5-4-3-2-1 blow your whistle
Sister Sledge He’s the greatest dancer
Labelle Lady Marmalade
Freez IOU
Whispers And the beat goes on
Shalamar I can make you feel good
Booker Newbury III Love town
Heatwave Boogie nights
Van McCoy & The Soul Symphony The hustle
O’Jays Love train
Detroit Emeralds Feel the need in me
Jackson 5 I want you back
Jacksons Blame it on the boogie
Kool & The Gang Ladies’ night
Eighties Ladies I knew that love
Gladys Knight & The Pips Baby don’t change your mind
Jackson 5 The life of the party
Jean Carne Was that all it was
Donna Summer On the radio
Quickest Way Out Who am I?
Note here that I don’t care that I want you back isn’t technically disco, I just happen to like it an obscenely big amount. Besides, its not as incongruous as putting David Arnold on a mixtape otherwise full of super heavy funk.
Also, some of these may well count as soul groove, but frankly who’s keeping score? The bottom line is that these will be the slammingest grooves at DJ Rentaselecta’s next rave (weddings/children’s parties/wakes etc) and you’ll want to be prepared.
Which brings us to disc two – the proper stuff – Philly Groove, Salsoul and the like. Harder, dirtier, funkier, breakbeatier, and in the case of the Salsoul nuggets, rife with more orchestra than your local philharmonic. Actually, that may over-egg the pudding slightly – it does still have its lightweight elements, but at least there’s no Boney M.
Esther Williams Last night changed it all
Fatback Band King Tim III
Tapestry He was a man
Coup de Villes So long goodbye it’s over
Moment of Truth Helplessly
Frantique Strut your funky stuff
Crown Heights Affair You gave me love
The Jones Girls You’re gonna make me love somebody else
Dee Dee Sharp Easy money
Melba Moore This is it
Carol Williams Love is you
Donna Summer Bad girls
Loleatta Holloway Mama don’t papa won’t
Jean Carne If you wanna go back
Teddy Pendergrass Only you
Alphonse Mouzon Why can’t we make it
Sound Experience Don’t fight the feeling
Anderson Brothers I can see him making love to you
First Choice Armed and extremely dangerous
Perhaps now, Brother Disco, you can rest in peace. 
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. It being dark, God said, ‘Let there be light’, and lo, there was. God separated this into day and night. That was the first day. On the second day, God created the sky. On the third day, he made sea etc and called the dry bit ‘land’, and he made vegetation happen. Next, he made the sun and the moon. He also made the stars. That was the fourth day. And God said, ‘Put living creatures in the sky and the water’. And sure enough, there they were. That was the fifth day. And God said, ‘Put living creatures on the land too’. ‘Plus let us make man in our image, and let him rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over all the creatures that move along the ground’. So God created man in his own image and blessed him. That was the end of day six, and God liked what he had done. Day seven, he rested. Day eight, he invented clogs, bumper cars, skipping, toe traps, politically incorrect poetry and marital aids.
To compensate for an overlong description of the first two songs, the following two are about babies, and the next two are sort-of finger-related. Then there’s a snake and another baby, a highway code metaphor, a call against Christian hypocrisy and another baby. Which brings us to day nine. What is it about the number nine? Revolution #9, Engine #9, Love potion #9, 9mm goes bang, Nine times a lady, The curse of the ninth symphony, nine valkyries in the so-called ride-of the, and in this instance, nine phone calls. I once called our house on Avenue Road nine times. It was my birthday, and Kate was on the sodding blower for about two and a half hours solid. I walked the whole way from the station, stopping at every call box on the way, but she was busy making devil talk with her familiars. I think Mandy shagged a gipsy in my bed the night before too.
Ms English is also disappointed with the telephone, but to her credit, takes it on the chin. Unlike Rosa Batiste who is the victim of a hit and run. This growing problem is not being addressed by an appropriate legal response. Furthermore, there is a failure to use the manslaughter charge, as suggested in Wilkinson's Traffic Law, Section 5.65. Tainted love is relatively tame by comparison, unless of course you’re talking about deliberate infection with an STD or even AIDS, which I think now counts as GBH, but you’d have to speak to your lawyer about that. You really got a hold on me runs the gauntlet of asphyxiation-based erotic thrills. And we return to THE NINE! Westbound = Piccadilly Circus - Hyde Park Corner - Kensington - Hammersmith. I’ve known better escape routes, but it sure beats Swavesey - Over - Willingham - Longstanton - Bar Hill - Cambridge.
There’s more songs too, but I run out of space to tell you about them.
Eighth Day: Eenie meenie minie mo
Eloise Laws: Love factory
Rachel Sweet: B-A-B-Y
Fred Hughes: Baby boy
Freda Payne: Band of gold
Wayne Gibson: Under my thumb
Al Wilson: The snake
The Metros: Since I found my baby
Mel Wynn & The Rhythm: Aces Stop sign
Honey Cone: Sunday morning people
Lorraine Chandler: Love you baby
The Moments: Nine times
Barbara Jean English: I’m living a lie
Rosa Batiste: Hit and run
Larry Saunders: On the real side
Gloria Jones: Tainted love
Gayle McCormick: You really got a hold on me
Flaming Ember: Westbound No. 9
Laura Greene: Moonlight, music and you
Irma Thomas: Break-a-way
Nosmo King & the Javells: Goodbye (nothing to say)
Brenda and The Tabulations: Lies, lies, lies
Continental Four: Heaven must have sent you
Music, for my grandfather, was not a priority. I know this, because I have listened to all his records. For the most part, these constituted such charity shop staples as military bands, easy listening muzak, the odd ballet, maybe a musical, and a bunch of ‘stereo samplers’, which broadly defy any kind of classification. Which isn’t to say he wasn’t discerning; after all, he didn’t own any Singalongamax.
He did, however, dig Klaus ‘Mr Hammond’ Wunderlich. We’ve talked about him before, so my précis will be swift: Klaus began learning the piano at the age of seven, and in 1955, at the age of 24, he started on the Hammond, and in due course patriotically changed to the German-made Wersi Organ. Prove me wrong.
My granddad also liked a bit of Waikiki groove, as represented here by Basil Henriques and the Waikiki Islanders. Henriques is untrained with respect to formal tuition, but according to his biography, was born with music in his soul. He started playing guitar at eleven, and took up Hawaiian guitar at twelve. His first pedal guitar was a six-string Gibson four-pedal Electraharp, and he formed the Waikiki Islanders when he was only sixteen. From 1966 to 1968, the group was resident at the Castaways nightclub in Birmingham. He then toured the US forces bases of Europe with his own show, which included dancers and a knife throwing/fire dancer from Samoa. As a musician, he has performed with artistes such as Foster and Allen, backing the likes of Gilbert O'Sullivan, Tom Jones, Slim Whitman, and Tammy Wynette (who always asked for him for her Irish tours). However, none could match the prodigious talent of the knife throwing/fire dancing Samoan.
Finally, my grandfather was also fond of a nice bit of Bacharach, preferably watered down to remove the vocals and any extraneous soul. The Sunset Festival Orchestra represents the cream of his collection, although his Bacharach does bossa album also retains a certain charm. But what can I say about The Sunset Festival Orchestra? Not much really – they represent one of the largely unmapped areas of the interweb, along with chive eating monkey bankers. I know that they released a further LP, 'Non Stop Carole King', but beyond that I draw a blank.
Klaus Wunderlich
St Louis Blues March
Tuxedo junction
Summertime
Besame mucho
Tico tico
Petite fleur
Brazil medley
Can’t take my eyes off you
Don’t let me be misunderstood/Yes sir I can boogie
Dancing queen/ I love to love
Basil Henriques & The Waikiki Islanders
Strangers in the night
Somewhere my love
Moon river
The shadow of your smile
Sunset Festival Orchestra
Non-stop Bacharach
Part 1: Do you know the way to San José/(There’s) Always something there to remind me/I say a little prayer/A house is not a home/Alfie/(They long to be) Close to you/This guy’s in love with you/Trains, boats and planes
Part 2: Raindrops keep falling on my head/I’ll never fall in love again/What the world needs now is love/Anyone who had a heart/Wives and lovers/Make it easy on yourself/Walk on by/The look of love 
I know the proper Jamiroquai compilation was a contractual obligation and all that. And yes, I know there's only 80 minutes to play with, and yes, I know compromises have to be made, but even if you forgive the grating inclusion of the new tracks, you still have to agree that, frankly, it just doesn't have the right songs.
I think you'll find it should have been as follows:
deeper underground
too young to die
use the force
love foolosophy
space cowboy
virtual insanity
spend a lifetime
canned heat
corner of the earth
cosmic girl
falling
half the man
when you gonna learn
little l
you give me something
do you know where you’re coming from (w/M-Beat)
And as for the second CD, it should have been B-sides. It would have been more polite.
if i like it i do it (acoustic)
snooze you lose
revolution 1993 (demo)
do you know where you’re coming from (alt)
space clav
slippin n slidin
space cowboy (single edit)
wolf in sheep’s clothing
lost souls (w/Guru)
bullet
we getting’ down (live)
journey to arnhemland (live)
scam (live)
bad girls (live, w/Anastacia)
i’m in the mood for love (w/Jools Holland)
Actually, you might want to knock that last one on the head, it's a ginger pony with a sow's ear.
